Once upon a time, our kids were young and it didn’t take a lot of effort to get them to listen and do what we told them to. But as they grow, they develop their own identities, opinions, and forms of self-expression. When I was a kid, being a parent was a lot different than it is today. We didn’t have social media and most of us didn’t have cell phones either. The internet was just getting started and we enjoyed more time outdoors. In today’s world, the media and society have made emphasized feelings, self-identity, and awareness in such a way that you can’t say anything without offending someone.
Adolescence is a new birth, for the higher and more completely human traits are now born. – G. Stanley Hall
This makes it much harder to parent your kids. It is crucial during these years to be there as much as you can for your teenager and ensure that you have both trust and open communication in your relationship. It can be difficult to parent because If you try to establish rules and boundaries, then the world thinks you are being a controlling parent. How do you set boundaries but still give your child some of that independence that they need? We’ll discuss this and more in today’s blog.
The Importance of Boundaries and Independence
Boundaries are extremely important for your teens because they set rules and expectations. This isn’t just something to have at home, they will also have set rules, expectations, and boundaries when they are out in the real world.
By preparing them for this now, you are raising responsible young adults that will be able to take care of themselves when they are older. Simple things like not staying out too late, taking out the trash, having some simple chores, and showing others respect are all boundaries that can be established. Let’s compare some of the ways these help our kids when they move out on their own.
- Effectively communicating and showing respect: As your child gets older, they will likely have a job and also other relationships or people come into their life. They may even have a roommate at some point in time. It is important to teach your child how to show respect to others and what is and isn’t okay so they have a sense of what is right and wrong.
- Staying out too late: We know now that when we were younger, we thought staying out late was all the rage among adults. When I was younger, I used to think as an adult I would stay up and read all night long, then sleep during the day and have little snacks in between. Ha! That was back before I knew anything about being an adult or growing up. Now I look forward to bedtime! It’s important to teach your teen not to stay up too late. Eventually, they will also have a job and have to be well-rested to take care of themselves and their responsibilities.
- Having chores: Do you have a magical cleaning fairy that makes your house spic and span before you wake up in the morning? No, me neither! It is essential to teach our kids how to clean up and have chores so that they are not completely disgusting slobs later on in life. Trust me, I know it’s hard. I get pushback every day for a chore as simple as unloading the dishwasher. But one day, they will have to do it all themselves and they won’t know how unless we teach them.
I understand that it is important for our kids to have their independence. All parents do this differently, but I always encourage my kids to express themselves as long as they are doing so respectively.
This means that I allow them to wear what they want to express themselves, within reason. I teach them that they can still express themselves in their clothing, speech, and identity without sacrificing modesty and dignity. They know that I want them to always express their opinion on a subject and tell me how they feel regardless if I like what they have to say or if our opinions differ. I want them to be themselves, but I also want them to respect that everyone has different opinions and different viewpoints and that is okay.
The Journey Through Adolescence
As our kids get older and develop their ideas and opinions we need to keep in mind that they are going through some major changes. Their bodies are changing as they age by producing more hormones and this can lead to some big emotional changes. They might not understand why they feel such feelings of confusion or excitement at some of the smallest things. Voices are changing and hair is starting to grow in different places. Not only do they have to deal with those changes, but they also are learning to discuss new topics and new problems with their friends.
Being a teenager is an amazing time and a hard time. It’s when you make your best friends – I have girls who will never leave my heart and I still talk to. You get the best and the worst as a teen. You have the best friendships and the worst heartbreaks. – Sophia Bush
This is the phase when your teenager begins to understand themselves better. You might notice significant shifts in their clothing, how they talk, or the music they enjoy. Don’t be surprised if your teen starts wearing hoodies in the summer and shorts in the winter. This is how they scream to the world that they are independent and have the right to wear what they want. Some kids form connections with very different kinds of friends, and you might not always approve of their choices. Remember that even if you’re not fond of their new friends or style changes, your child is simply trying to find themselves. As long as they’re not doing anything illegal, being disrespectful, or breaking household rules, it’s okay to let them explore who they are and learn more about themselves.
Parenting Challenges
It can be hard to parent a growing teenager because you might not always see things the same way. Gone is your agreeable, smiling small child who thinks that everything you say is right and good. This person has been replaced with a teenager who is developing their ideas and opinions. Sometimes those opinions can be pretty loud!
Remember to keep an open mind as you talk with your child and discuss how they feel and why they feel that way with them. The biggest challenge for me has been to let go of my children more over the years and stop being so overprotective. As long as I know where they are and I’ve met the other kid’s parents, then it’s okay for them to go stay a few nights with their friends. You have to be able to let go as your child gets older so that they can have life experiences in the real world. This is essential to their future success.
Becoming an adult is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how. – Eric Anderson
Our relationships with our teens can sometimes be difficult and it is very common for us to “butt our heads” when having discussions. Still, it’s important to see things not only from your point of view but theirs as well. As parents, we often expect our kids to understand why we emphasize responsibility, safety, and long-term goals. Most teenagers aren’t thinking like adults and their priorities are often independence, self-expression, and immediate gratification. We’ve all had those discussions about curfews, education, social activities, and even career choices. It can be hard to communicate with your child, but fostering open communication and also seeing things from their point of view can show them that you are willing to listen to what they have to say.
Finding the Right Balance
Letting your teens have their independence while keeping in line with rules like curfew and checking in can be stressful. The advice that I give here is from my own experiences and may not be your parenting style or what you agree with. That’s fine! We all have different ways of parenting.
However, I have learned that my kids are more likely to listen to me and take into consideration what I say to them if I listen to them and treat them with the same respect. I hope that some of my experiences can help other parents that may be struggling with their teens. Here are some ways that you can help your teen to feel more responsible and independent:
- Encourage decision-making: Involve your teen in decisions that affect them. For example, if we are planning a trip somewhere with the kids, we will often hold a family meeting and ask everyone where they would like to go. If we are going out to dinner, we might as everyone where they would like to go.
- Discuss the rules: We all hated certain rules that our parents gave us growing up. Now that we are older, we understand why our parents had those rules. You can discuss the rules with your teenagers and why those rules are in place. If they want to discuss their curfew or go to a friend’s house, then at least take the time to listen to them before giving your answer.
- Regular check-ins: It is very important to me that my children check in with me regularly when they are away from home. I have had this discussion with all of my kids because this is very important to me. I want to make sure that I know where they are supposed to be and that they are safe. Talk with your teen about regular check-ins and how often you would like them to check in with you. This could be a text message or a phone call to let you know how they’re doing while they are away from home.
In Conclusion
Striking the right balance between setting boundaries and allowing your teenager independence requires cooperation from both you and your teen. As they continue to grow and explore their identities and opinions, communication between you remains vital. Encourage their involvement in making decisions and discuss rules to empower them to learn responsibility.
Adolescence is a time of rapid physiological, cognitive, and social growth, and the changes can be both exhilarating and terrifying. – Laurence Steinberg
This will also show them that you value what they have to say. Keep in mind that their bodies are changing and their self-awareness is growing. Remember what it was like being a teenager and how awkward everything was? Respect their opinions and help support their growth into becoming independent, responsible young adults.
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